When Searching for Common Ground, Accentuate the Positive

Everyone is familiar with the statement misery loves company. It's easy to complain and commiserate because finding the negative isn't overly hard. When you look around expecting people to screw you over, you'll likely spend your time stewing over how they have. It's really no mystery.

Trouble is, it's not really a great way to base a relationship. "Life sucks, so let's be friends." Taken to the extreme, when all you speak about is negative, it colors your relationship.

When searching for common ground, it's easy to find the negative. And that behavior, that bonding device, comes in many formats: finding a common enemy (ex. the government, roommates), sharing similar stories of being taken advantage of or mistreated (ex. rape, childhood trauma)... We compare war wounds, battle scares to offer proof that we've been around awhile. That we're human and have lived.

It's much harder to accentuate the positive. When you're focused on the negative, it can be difficult to even locate positive. But even though it starts off as work, happiness is in the positive.

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This post started off as a way to address a friendship that I could feel being trapped in the negative. When we would get together, we'd only talk about the problems in our lives... It's funny to wrap this post up now, because I bonded with one of my best friends over the fact that 2009 was the worst year ever. From that particularly low point, we've been able to offer each other immense support and perspective for moving forward.



Sad Saucer image from Helgasm!'s Flickr feed.

Original draft date: 6/27/08

Procrastinating Relationships

Have you ever had something uncomfortable to say that you kept putting off in the hopes that the issue would resolve itself or that you'd come to terms with it in some other way?

It's not a pleasant place to be. It's like cleaning house--you forget to pick up a few things here and there and suddenly the whole place needs a deep cleaning. Relationships are the same way. You can't procrastinate. Once you've let things build up, it can spiral out of control. And no one wants to be stuck with the all the dishes, laundry and scrubbing the bathrooms at the same time.

Whether it's contract negotiations or highly an emotional issue, putting it off never helps.

For better or worse, relationships require at least two people--so what do you do if the other player doesn't contribute? Knowing that the issue needs resolving, how many times can you follow up, ask to talk, etc. without being a nag?

Something I'm thinking about on this Monday morning, because as much as we talk about procrastinating our work. It's procrasting relationships that'll really come back to bite you in the butt.